How would you “come out” to your religious family?

Immediately after reading your question I thought of one of my closest friends, Jon, who went through this very experience. I could give you my advice on what I would do, but it would lack the insight and honesty of someone who went through the same dilemma you now face and who has made it to the other side. So I called him.

Here is what he had to say.

   The first decision you need to make is whether or not now is the right time to come out.

You need to live your life as honestly as you can, but you also need to stay safe. If you think you risk physical danger or being kicked out of your          home when you have nowhere else to go, it may be in your best interest to wait.

If you decide now is the right time, here are some suggestions to help you through this process.

   Do your research.

Your family is going to have arguments, questions, and emotional reactions to this news. It’s important to have explanations and counter arguments of your own. This will help you remain calm and also show that you have thought deeply about what you are telling them. If you know they will reference religious text, be familiar with the passages they could use and be ready to explain a different view. In a way, you’re going into battle – arm yourself with knowledge.

    Be kind — even if they are not.

Keep in mind that this will likely be a shock to your family. Even though you’ve been processing this reality about yourself, they haven’t had that time. Your parents have hopes and dreams for you and for your future. You telling them that you’re gay, may challenge or even shatter some of these expectations. Have empathy for what they are going through and give them time to process this information.

    Provide your family with resources.

There are many materials geared towards helping you plan and navigate the coming out process. However, there are also many resources aimed at helping your family members and loved ones understand, and hopefully begin to accept, this part of who you are.

• Human Rights Campaign – A Resource Guide to Coming Out
• PFLAG – Our Children: Questions and answers for families of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, gender-expansive and queer youth and adults
• American Psychological Association – Answers to Your Questions for a Better Understanding of Sexual Orientation & Homosexuality
• The Episcopal Church – LGBTQ in the Church 

As my friend Jon said, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I wish you the best of luck and if you want to print out some of these materials or just need to talk, I’m in room 43.

How do you deal with test anxiety?

1. Always make sure you understand what is expected of you. If you’re not sure what the test is over or how the test will look, you’re much more likely to be anxious. I’ve taken some tough tests in my life. For my Masters degree final I had four hours to write four essays. I wasn’t allowed to bring any materials with me and each essay needed to include two outside sources with in-text citations. I basically had to memorize the main points of 8 scholarly articles, the author of each article, and what year each article was written. It was not fun. And yet, I was not particularly stressed. It helped that I was prepared. And it really helped that I was properly prepared. I didn’t walk into the exam room wondering what my test would be about or what was expected of me.  Make up a series of questions you suspect will be on the test. Better yet, ask your teacher for some practice questions.
2. Recreate the testing environment and the testing material. Then, practice until you are successful in that environment. This is NOT the same as studying. If you can’t use notes or a textbook, don’t practice with them. If music won’t be playing when you take the test, don’t play it while you practice. Your goal is to be able to answer the practice test questions with the same materials and in the same environment you will have when you take the actual test. This calls on some discipline because it’s hard not to reach for your notes when you know the answer is inside. However, if you continue to practice until you no longer need to reach for your notes or check something online, you will be ready.
3. When you’re taking the test, pretend you are practicing.
4. Being a good test-taker is about perspective and balance. You need to care about how well you do, but you can’t care too much. The future of the world does not rest on a single test. No matter what happens, success or failure, you are more than how well you do on a test.  A simple strategy I use when I’m stressed is to see if the issue or problem passes the time test. I ask myself: will I remember this next month? Next year? How about 5 years from now? In most cases, the answer is no. I still do this because it helps me see the situation from a larger perspective.